Our story of loss

Amidst all of the chaos going on around here with construction, jobs, errands and projects, I would always joke with Jimmy and say, "At least I'm not pregnant."  For me, that would have been the straw the broke the camel's back. The ONE thing that I couldn't possibly deal with because we had so much else going on.

On Friday, March 8th, I took a HPT because quite honestly, I couldn't remember exactly when my cycle was supposed to start. I knew that it was supposed to have been some time that week, but that's all I knew.

Immediately, I saw a line. It was faint, but definitely there.  I thought, "Here we go again. Same situation as what happened in September."

I got ready for work, and went by the CVS to get a digital. I just needed a clear "no" again.

I sent Jimmy this text, jokingly.

I went downstairs to the ladies room and took the test. Before I could even open the door, the result was there.

To describe my feelings at that moment would be impossible. I was panicked, but I wasn't. It was all so much to take in. I had done this twice before, so I could do it again, right?  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I couldn't. There was just NO way I could add this to my plate.

I texted Jimmy the same picture and his response was, "What?!!...yay?"

I thought to myself, "No. Not yay."  I hit reply. "I can't do this."

I took the rest of the day off. Jimmy happened to be home that day so when I walked in the door, I just stared at him. I felt so numb. We talked about it that afternoon and evening. I cried. He was in shock, but excited, just like last time. The only difference between then and now was that I knew I was pregnant. All of the symptoms were there. There was no denying that digital test.

The next day was Hollin's first haircut. I was so dizzy I could barely stand up, but I was determined to have a good day!

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The week went on and my feelings about the pregnancy were still the same. I reached out to a few friends to let them know I was expecting. Their first question was always, "How are you?" I was always honest. "I'm not doing so well. I'm having a hard time accepting this. Please pray for me." They were all so supportive and didn't judge me for feeling the way I did. They encouraged me as much as they could and assured me that I would get excited.

Being honest with Jimmy was hard because he was so excited. It hurt him to watch me react this way. I stayed bottled up for days because I felt like I couldn't be honest with him. This hadn't happened much at all in our marriage, but we were on two totally different wavelengths. 

Finally on Wednesday, I came clean to my mom and dad. I was starting to not feel well and the exhaustion was kicking in. My mom knew it wasn't like me to go to bed at 8:30pm.

When I told them what was going on, they were both so excited. For the first time since I had found out, I felt something inside of me change.  I was actually a little excited too. There was something about getting it off my chest that felt so good, and the kind words and encouragement from my parents made me feel like a new person.

My attitude at work on Thursday was totally different. I started writing down some names that Jimmy and I both really liked. He and the babies met me for lunch and I felt so good. No headache, no exhaustion, no nausea and full of energy. Maybe this one would be a really easy pregnancy?! By my calculations, I was right around 6 weeks.

By Thursday night, I finally felt like everything was going to be ok. Chaotic? Absolutely, but we could manage. Jimmy and I were finally back to "us" again. We went to the grocery store and laughed on the way home about if it was a boy or girl. We decided that we would tell his parents on Easter Sunday. I was excited about coming up with a cute way to tell them about our little surprise.  At home, Jimmy insisted that I take the "last pregnancy test of my life" since he missed the one I took at work. So, I obliged.  This time, it took way longer to give me the result. But it finally did.

"Pregnant."

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Friday, when I woke up to get ready for work, something was wrong. I texted Jimmy and he said he would meet me at the OB office. Once again, I was strangely calm. My mom offered to drive me there, but I declined. There was no stopping this if it was really happening.

By the time I got back to a room with the Nurse Practitioner, my hormone levels were very low, but still there. I was examined and then it was over almost as quickly as it began.  She was so kind. She went on to say, "Nearly 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage...." but she may as well have been talking to the wall. I had blood work done and was sent home with a note for work and pain meds.

I began driving myself home and the dam finally burst.  All of the ups and downs came crashing down on me and I could barely breathe.  This was Harper and Hollin's baby brother or sister. My due date would have been around November 11th. I had already envisioned a very sweet Thanksgiving this year with my family of five.

It all finally made sense. I had felt so much better the day before, almost as if I was "normal." The test had taken so much longer to give me the positive result the last time. My hormone levels had probably started dropping on Thursday.

We are both very sad that this happened, but are leaning on God to help us deal with all of it. I'm so thankful that Jimmy and I can go through this together, although it has been very difficult on us for different reasons.

Yes, I have been dealing with guilt over my initial reaction to the pregnancy. I feel so badly that I wasn't excited and accepting immediately when I know there are so many who want and pray for a child so badly.  

We are not sure what the future holds for us as far as another baby. We've both had very different reactions to this situation all along. Only time will tell. I thought for so long that we were done, but going through this forced me to consider life with three little ones. I do know that it would not be anytime soon. 

Thank you for allowing me to share this part of our story with you. 

Love,